By Susan Govern
Anyone cooking their first meal or their thousandth knows that it’s entirely possible to ruin even the most tried and true recipes. You get distracted for just a moment or two and the next thing you know your fried chicken ends up looking like charcoal briquettes.
Looking back on the many meals prepared in my kitchen there are several that stand out – mainly because those who ate them I’m sure would’ve preferred I served grilled cheese instead.
In the beginning, as a newlywed, I invited my mother-in-law and father-in-law to dinner. The menu was something I had seen my mother make many times and after a phone call the day before (ok, maybe 2 phone calls – alright – 4 phone calls) I was sure I could have the meal turn out like my mom’s.
I trimmed the pork chops, made the egg, flour and bread crumb coating then when each chop was coated, placed it on the baking sheet to put in the oven. I could have fried it on the stove like fried chicken, but this way seemed healthier. All was going according to plan, but apparently I didn’t take into account that these were boneless chops and not as thick as the bone-in kind.
By the time my in-laws arrived dinner was ready to be served. The side-dishes were done, the apple-sauce was chilled, table set, and the pork chops – the chops were – burnt! Taking them out of the oven and putting them on the serving platter all I could do was pray they were not too dry under the breading.
God bless my late father-in-law…as I apologized for the “well-done” chops, he simply stated he liked them that way. To prove his point he ate more than the rest of us that evening. Score one for a new cook’s confidence.
I have often wondered why most kitchen mishaps, goofs, blunders, out-right disasters always happen when you are hoping the meal will be picture perfect for your guests. It seems, too, that the more company you are expecting – or the more important the company – the bigger the cooking catastrophe.
I watched an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos at one time when the clip was of a new cook making her first Thanksgiving Turkey. She was entertaining many relatives and one asked (as they looked at the cooked turkey) where was the stuffing? She said it was already inside the bird when she bought it. That’s right – she left the bag with the neck and heart, etc. that’s inside the frozen bird in the turkey while it baked. As this was pointed out to her by her laughing relatives, she looked mortified and I think even a little nauseous. I laughed, but I could relate.
Years ago I had invited my church choir director and his wife to join us for dinner on Holy Saturday. I had opted not to buy a big spiral-sliced ham because I was afraid it would end up being dry. Instead I bought two nice size boneless pre-cooked hams that I would just have to re-heat. My mom gave me some instructions over the phone the day before and on that Saturday, I popped them into the oven to bake with a nice honey mustard glaze spread across the tops of each one.
My parents and guests arrived. For once everything was ready to be served all at the same time. The table was nicely set and we brought out the bowls of side-dishes. Then we brought out the hams on their serving platters. My mom looked at them and a strange look came over her face but she didn’t say anything. As my husband went to cut into the first ham to slice and serve…he wondered why it seemed to be “tough”.
Taking a closer look, my mom noticed my mistake. I had left the clear thick “wrapper” covering on the hams. It wasn’t the kind of “wrapper” that would melt to the hams so there was no harm done, but really this should have been removed before cooking – especially since I had wanted the flavor of the honey mustard glaze to be absorbed into the meat.
If I could find the “turkey cook” from “Funny Videos” – I would invite her out for coffee since we seem to have the same kind of luck in the kitchen. Make that for wine instead of coffee (many glasses of wine).
Easter is coming and this year we are changing things up. My son has requested our Holy Saturday family dinner be Prime Rib instead of Ham. We found the recipe and instructions on the internet – looks easy. I’m sure it will turn out wonderful even though we’ve never made it before. After all – what could we possibly do to ruin a good prime rib?
I think I’m going to put the local pizza restaurant’s number on speed dial – just in case.
